Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
