the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
