Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
