whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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