Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
