I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
