I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
