His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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