I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
