the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
