Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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