youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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