You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
