she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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