We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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