I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
