Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
