When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
