dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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