Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
