I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
