im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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