saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
