I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
