girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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