He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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