Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
