she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dicks are not precious.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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