and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
