i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
