it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
