You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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