He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
