if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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