Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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