if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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