I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
