There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
