I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
