we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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