I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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