I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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