??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
