I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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