If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
