Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
