You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
