still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
