Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
