If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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